Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
