I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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