We won't sleep together?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
