Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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