i would punch a child for taco bell
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
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Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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