So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
