i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
