I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
