a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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