Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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