I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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