If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she looked like the before picture.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
