Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
