Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
