Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
