mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Actions speak louder than pants.
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There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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