4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
