Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
