u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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