I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The struggles of a small town man whore
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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