Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
