I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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