I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
