saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
