apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
