my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
