New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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