Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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