I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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