I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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