my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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