Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
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not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long