Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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