With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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