Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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