I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
