Michael Bay diarrhea
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
