theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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