I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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