Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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