I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
