he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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