just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
