tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
