So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
