all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize