If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
