i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
