and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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