just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
