Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
