I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
