I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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