you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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