Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
